Breakups are never easy (especially for women). They often come out of nowhere, leaving us feeling blindsided and heartbroken. And even when we see the end coming, breakups can still be incredibly painful. That’s because, regardless of the circumstances, breakups represent a loss. We lose the person we love, the future we imagined, and the security that comes with being in a relationship. Ultimately women feel broken. This brokenness is why Tiffany Smith, CEO and founder of Dare to B You, became a Breakup Coach. She is a certified breakup coach who helps women heal from a place of brokenness to healthy, happy lives.
Smith has helped countless women through the heartache and pain of a breakup, and she knows exactly what it takes to get to the other side. Smith is different from other life coaches because she doesn’t just focus on the technical aspects of relationship loss; she also looks at the emotional and mental aspects. This allows her to help her clients in a more holistic way. Smith advocates the concept of self-love as a top priority. Her transformation mantra presides over a five-prong rule: Acknowledge, Embrace, Acceptance, Forgiveness & Love Yourself.
In this interview with Smith, she shares the value of what she does for women and the personal connection that drives her passion.
What inspired you to become a breakup coach?
My inspiration for becoming a Breakup Coach came from my struggle with the decision to get a divorce. Moreover, many people, including my therapists, urged me to stay in an unhappy marriage. After trying to avoid divorce, I ultimately made the decision to leave the relationship. The journey was long and painful, and unfortunately, I didn’t feel close to myself because I was always subjecting myself to others’ opinions of who I was to be and what I was to do.
After my healing and the freedom and happiness that came from it, I wanted to help women know that it is ok to get divorced. And to teach women that they will be ok after a breakup.
Having coached several women through breakups and divorces, what have you learned the most that you would say is a stereotypical myth about them?
I believe the biggest myth out there that a lot of people seem to believe is that you immediately need to jump into the dating world as a part of your healing journey. In my opinion, this can create undue pressure to find someone new and uncertainty of being “good enough” for another potential partner. After coaching many through breakups and divorces, I advocate for dating yourself first after a breakup. We focus first on self-love, positive self-talk, and healing the relationship with the self — long before I encourage women to begin dating again. This helps avoid falling into relationship “patterns” or stumbling into another toxic situation.
You went through a divorce. What did you learn most about yourself during that process?
Through my divorce, I learned a lot about myself. Perhaps the biggest piece of learning is that it was okay for me to get a divorce and that I deserved to take time out for myself. And by extension, I learned acceptance every step of the way. Fighting for my marriage affected my mental and physical health, so I had to leave. Even after choosing to leave my marriage, I doubted myself. By accepting what is, I learned that it was not only ok but that I could also accept myself. By implementing this acceptance in my life and world, I learned that the relationship’s failure had nothing to do with my self-worth or merit as a human being and partner.
After a divorce or breakup, women often feel “broken.” Define what “broken” means to you as it relates to your coaching.
When we experience a breakup or divorce, our whole world gets turned upside down. There’s suddenly a huge gap in our lives, at the very least. At the very most — such as in the case of toxic relationships — we may be dealing with the aftermath of that toxicity that manifests in self-doubt. The term “broken” can have different meanings for different people. For some, it might mean they can no longer function in the way they did before the divorce or breakup. They may feel unable to make decisions or take care of themselves. Others might feel broken because they feel like they have failed. They may feel like they are not good enough or are not worth someone’s time. My coaching focuses on the self, self-love, self-care, and positive self-talk. Through my coaching, I help women identify those areas in which they feel “broken,” and we fill those gaps with self-love and self-efficacy. This results in women no longer feeling like they need someone else.
Forgiveness is in your mantra. What does it take to get there after being hurt by someone you love?
Forgiveness is key to moving on after a hurtful experience. It can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone their behavior or forget what happened. It simply means you’re choosing to let go of resentment and bitterness and focus on the future.
I help my clients create a gentle pathway to forgiveness, to liberate themselves from hatred, bitterness, or anger so they can be free. Some of the ways we accomplish this are:
● Taking the time to process feelings without rushing
● Understanding and defining the things an ex did to cause pain
● Replace the feelings of anger with more self-love.
What experience from your divorce became the most healing for you?
What became the most healing for me after my divorce was finally accepting that it was okay for me to leave. I had spent so much time doubting myself and feeling at fault but coming to terms with the fact that I deserved to be happy was incredibly freeing. I also started to focus on taking care of myself mentally and physically, which was incredibly healing as well. After so many people telling me that I was making a mistake, it was validating to finally hear someone say that it was okay for me to make that choice. It was also healing to begin focusing on my happiness rather than trying to make everyone else happy.
What is the biggest transition a client has made after a divorce or breakup?
In my line of work, I measure client “success” in terms of how much a person has healed, the independence they feel, and their ability to give themselves the love and assurance they need. I discuss the healing journey of two women in particular and their step-by-step process to liberation after devastating breakups and toxic relationships. My ability to help depends on my client’s determination to heal. The women that I reference in the book were able to, after complete healing, experience healthy relationships, firstly with themselves and then with others.
How can people connect with you?
The best way to connect with me is to find me on Instagram @daretobyou or book a call with me through my website at www.daretobyou.com.